We all have experienced being our own greatest enemy before. When faced with our negative qualities, self-pity is an easy trap to fall into.

Despite this, we have the potential to be our own greatest allies. The determining factor is our ability to exchange old habits with new beliefs.

The reason we dwell in self-pity is to protect ourselves from change. Change means venturing into the unknown, which is undoubtedly scary. However, it’s not scarier than staying stuck in unhealthy patterns for years to come.

In my experience, self-pity has been the main assailant to my growth. Failure has the tendency to afflict my self-worth instead of showing me ways to improve. Instead of problem-solving, I can be overwhelmed with self-doubt that leaves me emotional and stuck.

Changing a deeply ingrained habit, whether it’s an action or a way of thinking, is certainly challenging. It kicks our fight or flight response into gear, which can nip our efforts in the bud before they’re given a fighting chance.

The difficulty of improving one’s mindset speaks to its worth. Nothing good comes easily after all, and there are actionable steps we can take to achieve the peace of mind we seek. All that is required is a willingness to change.

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Part 1: The Hard Truth Behind Self-Pity

Here it goes. Let’s rip off this bandaid quickly. Say it with me:

I am responsible for taking action against my damaging patterns. No one else.

This… this is not a fun realization. But oh is it important.

In the context of self-pity, I am guilty of searching for reasons to be disappointed with myself. And what I search for, I will find. There is no one else to blame for making me feel poorly.

A minor workplace error can’t jeopardize my work ethic unless I let it. One sharp comment does not make me a terrible person unless I choose to be.

By thinking poorly of myself, I am only justifying continued negative actions.

It’s no surprise that self-compassion is the fuel for bringing dreams into reality. Instead of dwelling on how I am “incapable” of something, I can gently guide myself through each small step forward.

So how do we achieve this? How do we take responsibility for ourselves and forge a new path forward?

We must understand why we habitually think in ways that harm us and rewire our brains for good.

Part 2: The Power of Understanding

Self-pity tends to arise if I ignore my brain and body asking for help. There are two needs in particular that I am guilty of ignoring:

The first is a need for rest. Whether it’s neglecting sleep or prioritizing tasks over self-nurturance, I have a tendency to keep moving til I drop. And when I’m incapable of going any further, I’m faced with disappointment in myself.

The second is a need for grace. I am human. That fact certainly comes with its challenges, but it is a gift at the end of the day. I wouldn’t trade this life for the world—or even for a less-complicated mind.

Part of why we deal with chaos in our lives is we are conscious of it. Your dog doesn’t question the universe and why we’re here (and there is some wisdom to that). But our minds were created to think. It’s simply a matter of guiding our thoughts and not getting lost in them.

If I have neglected my needs and find myself amidst the self-loathing storm, there is still hope despite my brain telling me otherwise.

Part 3: Regaining Control of My Thoughts

There is one prerequisite for this step to be successful: I must truly want to change my situation. If any part of me wants to remain in my self-pity, I will certainly stay there.

After committing to moving forward, I can substitute harmful thoughts with healing ones. For example:

“I am incapable of doing this.” turns into “I will learn how to do this even if it’s hard.”

“I am ashamed of my emotional response.” becomes “I understand where these emotions come from and I can cheer myself up.”

“I wish I was better.” becomes “I can be better the minute I recenter and find inner peace. The next moment in time is still unwritten.”

“Why am I like this?” becomes “I learned this behavior and I can unlearn it.”

“I can’t stand myself.” becomes “Nothing I do can take away my worth. I am deserving of the grace I give others.”

“I wish I were stronger.” becomes “Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong.” (From The Artist’s Way)

And most importantly, “I am so disappointed in myself.” becomes “I am proud to be a persistent person. I may fall but I always get up.”

Fate has no favorites. We all face hardship and pain. What sets joyful people apart is their ability to persevere when faced with difficulties.

Part 4: From Self-Pity to Strength

We tend to think of strength as a trait you’re either blessed with or not. I’d argue that true strength (not to be confused with projected strength) can only be built.

Self-sabotage doesn’t disappear after one triumph over it. It takes courage and willpower to face it every time it strikes for years.

If you feel weak at the thought of this, understand that like any habit, regaining control of our thoughts becomes second nature with time. Each triumph over our old ways makes them easier to face the next time they strike.

Remember, one slip-up will not ruin your progress as long as you recommit. It’s unrealistic to expect steps forward without a few steps back here and there.

True strength is found in keeping your promises to yourself, no matter the challenges you face. It is pressing forward even when change is uncomfortable, and usually change is.

Start with a simple promise: Commit to doing something kind for yourself whenever you feel self-pity.

Over time, you will become your greatest ally in good times and bad. Just as you’re able to put your trust in a faithful friend, you will be able to trust yourself again.

Simple actions to move forward from self-pity:

• Listen to upbeat music. Bonus points if you can sing or dance along, as these actions release endorphins.

• Cook or bake yourself something delicious. It’s a simple way to activate the reward center in your brain and build self-esteem. Bonus points if there’s enough to share!

• Call to mind an activity you’ve wanted to do for a while and take your first step toward doing it. Buy the supplies, sign up for lessons, or schedule time out of your week for it.

• Become your own benefactor and set aside money for a long-desired purchase.

• Recall something you used to dream of having that you now have. Take a moment and be grateful for it.

• Call a trusted friend, explain your situation, and let your spirits lift with the encouragement they have for you.

• Replace self-criticism with a loving internal dialogue. Seek to understand your feelings instead of condemning them.

• Channel your emotions in an activity. Exercise and creative hobbies are great means of doing this.

• Watch a few episodes of a funny show. It’s hard to feel sad when you can’t help but laugh at something.

“I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side.”

Maya Angelo

The thoughts we keep have the power to expand or limit our horizons. In every moment, we can choose to act in ways that serve us.

Remember that being hard on yourself won’t result in the life you dream of. Only compassion can lead you there. There is a world of possibility waiting for you the minute you decide you are deserving of it.

You may just find that taking joy in yourself was the dream all along.

Until next time,