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Who am I really? is an existential question that we have pondered for ages. We’ve developed personality classes, behavioral types, and relationship styles, all in hopes of aiding our search for identity.

The pitfall of personality typing is it portrays identity as an unchanging cloak given to us to wear for a lifetime. We are, and always will be, introverted, an Enneagram 8, passionate about animals, noncommital in relationships, etc.

So is “knowing thyself” really just a matter of personality?

No, it’s much more enlightening than that.

Atomic Habits by James Clear explains that the source behind our habitual actions is the identity we give ourselves. And the math checks out.

You are the person you will spend the most time with in your life, therefore you are the most influential person in your life. You may be susceptible to outside influence, but it’s you who calls the shots at the end of the day. It should be no surprise that you act out of a need for self-preservation.

In other words, your actions reflect your identity.

If you see yourself as a healthy person, then you have the lifestyle to back up that belief. And on the flip side, if you see yourself as a negative person, you have evidence to point to that.

So how do we alter our identity to promote positive change? Are we hopeless if we are not who we wish to be?

Far from it. You have more hope in being yourself than in being anyone else. It is simply a matter of changing what you believe you are capable of.

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What does it mean to “Know Thyself”?

Knowing yourself means being familiar with your desires and dislikes. They are what motivate your actions.

“Whoa, whoa. That is far too simplistic. I am way more complicated than that,” you may say.

Sometimes the answer is simpler than we’d like to think.

We desire a specific outcome in every action we take, good or bad. Our actions reflect what is most important to us, otherwise known as our motivations.

At times, we may experience conflicting motivations. But in the human mind, the strongest desire wins.

For example, painting may be a hobby that is important to you, but your family’s approval is of higher importance. You are much more likely to pursue a steady office job than sell your art.

The same applies to what you dislike most. Person A enjoys conversing with others, but the minute a conversation gets heated, he wishes to leave. He is piloted by his dislike of conflict over his desire to socialize.

How Your Present Identity Can Keep You Stuck

The unknown is frightening. There is no shock there. This is especially true for your sense of self. Who would you even be if you didn’t play video games or explode in anger when someone wrongs you?

We are governed by a need to preserve our identities. We act in ways that keep our likes near and our dislikes far. This is precisely why it is so difficult to change our behaviors even if they negatively impact us.

An extreme example of this is found in the insightful book, The Courage To Be Disliked. A man is afraid of venturing outside of his house. Each time he attempts to, he experiences convulsions until he returns indoors.

The philosopher in the book believes these episodes are self-induced. The man’s priorities lie in maintaining the comfort and predictability found at home. Even if part of him wishes to venture into the world, his desire to stay within familiar walls will win at all costs.

If you feel more characterized by your faults than your strengths, hope is not lost. Our negative responses point to where there is room for positive improvement. Envy, anger, and melancholy can direct us to areas of our lives that need work. The minute we take action, these negative traits become the fuel for positive change.

Two Truths of Identity

Before you can change your self-image, you must first understand two rules that determine who you are.

1) You are not a static object.

As previously mentioned, the pitfall of personality typing is it offers a one-and-done solution to identity. “You are an INFP. Congrats, your search is now over!”

The good thing is you now know you are a sensitive, imaginative person. But why are you that way? What is the motivation behind your habitual way of living? What things limit you?

“Well, oftentimes I use my imagination to relax from the world’s demands. The positive side of this is I am naturally creative. The negative side is I can get lost in my thoughts and let real-life demands slip.”

See how that is much more informative?

Understanding your motivations, desires, and dislikes shows you potential paths forward. You will evolve according to which path you take.

In each moment, you may choose to repeat familiar patterns or step into the unknown. Who you become is entirely up to you.

2) You are who you say you are.

How often have we caught ourselves saying things like this:

“I would really enjoy starting a creative writing club, but I’m no leader. I couldn’t do it.”

Only if you say so!

We often limit our identities to what we’ve previously witnessed in ourselves, or worse, to a personality description we’ve gotten from a test.

Have we forgotten that we can do anything? We have the power of choice in every moment. Whether we make good use of it is up to us.

We have already discussed that our actions dictate who we become. But who we become also dictates our actions.

In other words, if you want to do something, you must become it first.

“Matter of fact, I’m bold enough to start this group. Plus I already know people who’d be interested. I’ll figure out an itinerary so I know how to lead our first session!”

When you take the first step, you change who you are. Your self-definition has now expanded because of what you believed you could do, and you did.

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Exercise: Who Do You Want To Become?

Make two lists.

For the first, write down characteristics that you want to encourage as you grow. What strengths of yours could you maximize? Which areas do you want to expand in?

Label the second list “traits to exchange.” Write down characteristics that no longer serve you. It may help to recall bad habits and list the qualities they may stem from. Then, list positive alternatives to each trait.

How to Encourage Positive Traits in Your Identity

Start with the first trait on the “traits to grow” list.

Write a single, small action that someone with this quality would do. An organized person might spend 15 minutes in the evening tidying the kitchen and putting dishes away. Try that tonight.

What about a healthy person? They would be in bed by 11 instead of watching one more episode of tv. A loving person? They might spend an evening each week making gifts to give to loved ones.

Schedule each small step over the course of the next few weeks. Each time you make good on your small steps, you’ve taken one of those traits into your identity.

How to Change Negative Traits in Your Identity

The goal here isn’t to eliminate negative reactions. It’s to make it easier to pick a positive reaction instead. Use the same cue to yield a better result.

If you know you bite your nails when you’re stressed, always have a fidget tool ready. Pick one that relaxes you, like a worry stone. When you fidget with the stone instead of your nails, you are taking a step toward being a more relaxed person.

Negative traits are meant to be built upon, not looked at with disdain. The most effective means of doing so is by replacing the old negative habit with something that serves you better.

To become more focused, keep your phone in your bag instead of on your desk. That way, when the phone lights up with a notification, you won’t immediately be drawn in by it. Out of sight, out of mind.

To help soothe emotions, keep a list of things that make you happy and do them regularly. Similarly, a list of positive affirmations will help when self-deprecation arises.

The ways we help ourselves most are small and many.

It’s not a matter of building Rome in a day, but rather proving to yourself that you embody the traits you seek. Every habit you acquire and action you take can improve your sense of self.

The Key to Growth is Small Steps Forward

Your life can become unrecognizable with consistent small actions over time. The compound effect is incredible.

Atomic Habits advocates for the same thing. Atoms, small as they are, add up to create everything we see before us. Each small change accomplishes the same feat.

Identities aren’t formed in a day, but your commitment to change can be. The beauty of small steps is that they don’t need to solve the issue. They simply need to prove that you’re capable of addressing it.

Small, consistent steps forward resemble the persistence of waves. With time, the cyclical movements of the water will smooth even the roughest of stones. And the time will pass whether you put it to good use or not.

If you are interested in learning more about adopting helpful habits, I highly recommend reading Atomic Habits by James Clear. The book provides many insightful techniques to build a life that serves who you want to become.

If you purchase the book through my link, I will receive a small commission. It’s a great way to support my writing and keep content coming.

Thank you for taking the time to read, and I wish you a great day ahead. Take one small step for your betterment before the day is over.

Until next time,

O&K