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Growing up, I remember deeply enjoying the oasis of my inner world. Solitude was my happy place. Years have passed, and since then I have found it increasingly difficult to spend quality time alone with myself.
Over the years, I’ve grown used to living in constant community. It started with involvement in school and church. Now, it’s working 9-5 and going home to a partner I love.
While I’m deeply grateful for the people I share life with, I could stand to be a better companion to myself.
At the end of the day, the person we spend the majority of our lives with is ourselves. It only seems right that the time we spend alone should be enjoyable and meaningful.
Why is it hard to be alone?
Society emphasizes collectivism—acting for the good of the group rather than the individual—and for good reason. Oftentimes, it’s strength in numbers that propels change.
However, this emphasis on collectivism dampens the importance of individualism, which is relying on oneself over others. Both collectivism and individualism have powerful, positive effects when they are balanced with each other.
The Benefits of “Flying Solo”
Recently, I spent a pleasant evening alone focusing on my creative hobbies. To keep myself company, I talked myself through each challenge and decision.
This time alone opened my eyes to many strengths:
- I followed my creative nudges instead of seeking advice.
- I used my time exactly as I saw fit.
- I listened to my body when I needed a break.
- I self-soothed and problem-solved during difficulties.
- I enjoyed my own company and listening to my thoughts.
All alone, there was no one to compare myself to. I only compared myself to who I was previously.
I found myself thinking thoughts like “The old me would throw in the towel right about now, but I’m going to make some tea and problem-solve.” and “No cutting corners. I am going to take my time and do this right.”
As someone familiar with negative self-talk, tapping into this intuitive and nurturing inner voice was a wonderful surprise. It made me value solitude more than I ever had before.
Finding Balance Between Individualism and Collectivism
One of my favorite books about balancing solitude and companionship is The Courage to Be Disliked. The book poses an interesting argument: True belonging can only be achieved through self-reliance.
Belonging, in this case, refers to feeling equal to others. Not superior. Not inferior. Equal.
The view comes from understanding that we each have value. We hold responsibility for our own lives. Whatever we do with our lives is a decision only we can make.
Self-reliance means taking responsibility for your life and well-being. It’s not casting judgment toward someone else for how they are living their life. That is theirs to figure out themselves.
In the case that someone casts judgment on you, understand that their words and actions are also their responsibility. Not yours. Let it go and move on with your life.
This may sound like a cold way to interact with people, but this division of responsibility empowers people to act for themselves. It is the catalyst for respect.
When you respect yourself and others as equals—all as masters over our own lives—that is belonging. If one piece of that equation is missing, you suffer both individually and collectively.
So how do we become self-reliant? How do we make time spent alone fruitful?
Facing Critical Self-Belief While Alone
It’s normal to face inner conflicts. We tend to think that the strongest force always wins. Anger trumps our efforts to stay calm, workaholism wins over rest, etc.
The Courage to Be Disliked opened my mind to another possibility: Our every action is driven by a goal. We think and act with our interests in mind. However, we don’t always do so with our best interests in mind.
This may seem perplexing at first. What goal is low self-esteem, for example, seeking to accomplish?
It keeps you safe from the unknown and from the hard work of changing your ways. It chooses present comfort over future improvement.
Previously when I wrote about my journey through self-pity, I mentioned that you must truly want to change in order to do so. As long as my priority was keeping myself safe from the unknown, my self-esteem remained unchanged.
Our self-belief is strategic. It supports our subconscious goals. For our self-belief to change, our goals need to change.
Exercise: Dare To See Things As They Are
Make a list of descriptive words that you believe accurately describe yourself. Leave some space between each word and try to refrain from ruling out any ideas as you write.
Next, answer two questions for each trait:
Why does this trait apply to me?
How does this serve my self-belief?
For example:
“compassionate”
Why does this trait apply to me? I enjoy enriching people’s lives with gifts, quality time, and support.
How does this serve my self-belief? Showing compassion makes me feel good about myself and my contributions in life.
“impatient”
Why does this trait apply to me? I feel discouraged when I have to wait for something I want to enjoy now, whether it’s a goal or a possession.
How does this serve my self-belief? I tend to quickly throw in the towel when something good takes time to protect myself from disappointment.
Every trait on your list, good and bad, serves a purpose. The first step is understanding.
Shifting to a Mindset of Self-Nurturance
Regardless of your current belief in yourself, you are capable of glory. It’s simply a matter of using your good traits and reassigning the bad. I go more in-depth on this topic in my previous post about identity.
When you utilize your strengths and seek growth, you are nurturing your sense of self.
Self-nurturance can look different depending on the day. Sometimes, the best way to care for yourself is to start a challenging project. On other days, it may mean easing up on your expectations and inviting rest.
The best way to know how to self-nuture on a given day is to let your intuition guide you. When you listen to the nurturing voice within, you know exactly how to spend your time in a fulfilling way.
How do we tap into our self-compassionate intuition? The answer is a simple change of focus.
The Key to Thriving While Alone
Revisit your list from the exercise in this post. What strengths jump out from the page? What traits are you grateful to have?
Before we continue, take a moment to appreciate your one-of-a-kind abilities. We all have them. They are gifts to be cherished and used.
Now for the big takeaway. The key to thriving while alone is listening to your nurturing inner voice. And how does one do that?
Listening to your inner voice means letting your strengths guide you.
What do you feel inexplicably drawn to? How can your strengths serve you? What must you learn or overcome?
You may, for example, use your gift of compassion to send letters to loved ones, letting them know that you’re thinking about them. Your strong wit may spur you to write comedy bits to use when a friend needs cheering up.
Solitude transforms the minute you focus on positive aspects of yourself.
This is the beauty of time spent alone: It‘s uninterrupted time to hone your strengths and learn about yourself.
Where your focus goes is what grows. If your focus is on your shortcomings, solitude is unbearable. If you focus on your strengths instead, it becomes a powerful tool for self-discovery and growth.
This awareness of your strengths helps you take responsibility for yourself and the life you’re living. It teaches you to see yourself as equal to others who have strengths of their own.
Learning to belong with yourself teaches you to belong with others.
Solitude is healthy when you:
- listen intently to your thoughts, as you would listen to someone else in a conversation.
- seek to better understand yourself.
- treat yourself with compassion.
- follow healthy desires.
- do an activity that brings you joy.
- celebrate wins.
- break overwhelming tasks into small steps.
- appreciate who you are.
Healthy, intentional time alone takes practice. The key is that every step forward, no matter how small, matters. It could be as simple as correcting a negative thought about yourself. It compounds into major changes over time.
Final Thoughts
The holiday season is likely a time for you when solitude is hard to come by. As such, it’s a time of year when we need it most.
I wish you moments to breathe during the hustle and bustle of the coming weeks. If you can, carve out half an hour for yourself each day. Consider planning something to look forward to in the quickly approaching new year.
If instead, you find yourself in too much solitude this time of year, I hope love finds you in whatever way it can. Hold close to the light within. You can weather any storm.
Remember to keep your self-worth separate from your holiday undertakings. A missed mailing deadline or an undecorated tree has nothing on your amazing strengths.
Instead, celebrate the life you are building. The holidays are a time to cherish life in all of its beauty and fragility. If nothing else, be glad for your beating heart and another year to make your own.
Until next time,
Happy holidays!
O&K
P.S. – The Courage to Be Disliked is a wonderful book to ring in the new year with. If you purchase a copy using the above link, you’ll support your growth and our blog in the process. Cheers!
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