My entire life, I have viewed emotions as hindrances. They have seemed to only get in the way of me having a good day, getting work done, being a good partner/friend, etc.

It’s no wonder that my dealing with feelings failed to improve under that mindset. As soon as a conflicting emotion entered my headspace, it was met with frustration. Then a fight between the two emotions would ensue, leaving me to take the beating.

I have always admired people who have healthy channels for their emotions. However, I’ve begun to understand that such coping skills take years of practice and intention. Levelheadedness is not so much a personality trait but a learned skill.

Emotions unify us as human beings. There is comfort to be found in knowing that every emotion we feel has been felt by someone else. While there is a wide spectrum of emotions one can experience, we each tend to have our own frequent visitors.

Like visitors to our homes, we should resist the urge to immediately turn away a feeling when it comes knocking, even if we wish another emotion had come in its place.

My closest friend and I have similar emotional and intellectual climates. Many of our conversations are full of emphatic exclamations of similarity. She came up with an insightful way to look at emotions:

“Emotions are like lightbulbs. What hurts is staring directly into them and hoping for a resolution. Instead, look around the room and see what they are illuminating.”

Those words have never left me, even if I struggle to peel my eyes from the blinding 40-watt light at times.

Emotional intelligence is an ongoing improvement. Below are the steps I remind myself of to search for the good within negative emotions.

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Fighting emotion is the root of the problem.

Whenever we repress a feeling, it gains a deeper hold on us. The longer a weed stays in the ground, the stronger its root system grows. If we don’t dig it up, we can’t keep it from choking out our other good growth.

When we fight an emotion, we reject it’s message. And it’s likely important! The answers we fret about not having may be in plain sight if we dared to look.

There are countless ways to fight an emotion. “Not here and now” may be chief among them. In a way, yes, here in the office is not the place to flip desks and chairs in your rage. But there are still plenty of ways to diffuse what you’re feeling to keep you from seething at your desk.

Right here and right now is exactly where we need to start.

Part 1: Resetting with Stillness

When emotion strikes, breathe slowly. Notice your surroundings and how your body feels. Slow down. You are exactly where you should be, even while feeling what you feel.

It doesn’t have to be difficult or forced. Even taking a single breath with present-mindedness can help you regain your sense of control. Mindfulness is simple, does not have to take long, and prepares your mind for the steps ahead.

Part 2: Accepting Emotions You Would Rather Reject

When sadness comes knocking at your brain’s doorstep, do not turn it away. It is here for a reason. Shutting it out will only cause a storm and, subsequently, a leaky roof.

We can’t pick and choose what we feel. If we get used to turning away our emotions, then we can say goodbye to feeling the positive ones as well. This is how we gradually become numb. We grant ourselves the pleasure of distracting ourselves from pain, but over time the pleasure leaves us as well.

Treat every emotion as a dear friend that you would change plans for. Sit down with them, make them some tea, and try to understand them.

With any guest, you wouldn’t give them dominion over your home. Similarly, there is no need to give your emotions control over your brain. Just let them be there. Sit with them, even if it is a bit uncomfortable. Remember, you are still in control.

The minute you accept your emotions, you will find relief from the force fighting against them. You will become open to seeing their value.

Part 3: Seeing What Your Emotions Illuminate

Now it is time to address the reason your emotion came in the first place. It has something to say.

It helps to have questions to guide your internal dialogue. These can be worked through mentally or written down. Begin with questions that foster understanding.

What am I feeling?

I am feeling sad, and a bit angry and lonely.

What caused me to feel this way?

My job is stressful and I did not want to go to it this morning.

Is there more to what I’m feeling?

I feel bad about myself because I am struggling to snap out of my negativity.

What thoughts can I attribute to this feeling?

“I am creating a problem from something I can’t change.” “Maybe I am the problem.” “My job is terrible and has no redeeming qualities.” “I can’t contain my sadness.”

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After you have laid a foundation of understanding, you can search further.

Is this feeling rational?

No, my job has plenty of redeeming qualities, the biggest one being the financial freedom it gives me.

What rational reason is there behind this feeling?

I have not been sleeping enough. I have a lot to do at home that I can’t do now because I have to go to work. Those tasks may get in the way of plans I have for quality time this evening. I feel stretched too thin with work that feels pointless. (And I realize that the last point isn’t a true rational reason. My work has plenty of purpose beyond just a paycheck.)

What thoughts can I interject into my headspace that are true and calming?

Change can only occur when I accept and see the value in where I am and who I am presently. I am not a problem. I am a problem solver. I am putting in the hard work to improve myself. I will evolve past the negative thought patterns I inherited from my past. I will be gentle with myself while I become someone I am proud to be, no matter how long it takes.

Part 4: Extending Yourself a Helping Hand

Now that you have recentered and rationalized, it is time to move on. You can pick yourself back up or reach out to a trusted friend for help. Both will positively impact your headspace.

To pick yourself up, all that is required is a little brainstorming. It is best to do so in manageable increments to avoid overwhelm. Some of the greatest changes can stem from simple, intentional actions.

Ask yourself the following questions:

What can I do this week that will relieve this feeling?

I can schedule and prioritize the tasks I want to do instead of work and focus on one each evening. Tonight I’ll start making bread, Friday I’ll knit, Saturday I’ll make pear butter, etc. That way, I should still have time for quality time with my partner tonight and I won’t have to fit everything into this one day.

What can I do today to relieve this feeling?

I can make bread after work and set a time limit so that I don’t eat into our quality time. Maybe even shoot for an earlier bedtime.

What can I do now?

I’m still at the office. I’ll listen to my favorite album, make some tea, work for an hour, and reward myself with a walk.

If you discover that your emotion stems from a deeper issue, you may extend the timeline of what can I do to this month or year. There is nothing wrong with making goals solely for the purpose of furthering your emotional intelligence.

Part 5: Learning to Ride the Waves

Sometimes, when a feeling lingers or returns, the best consolation is knowing the sun will rise again. At every low point, there is a high on its way. That same thought humbles us when we’re on top of the world. Storms will still find their way to us. Highs and lows are like waves, repeating endlessly and cyclicly.

During low times, it’s important to make them as gentle and easy on ourselves as possible. Being in a slump is nothing to beat yourself up over. Neither is feeling down on any particular day. It is only human. What matters is if you can meet yourself with compassion and understanding at those times and help yourself recover.

Part of learning to work with the ebbs and flows of life is to have truths that you can always return to. For instance:

• Life gets easier the minute I choose to be on my own side.
• I am never alone in what I feel. There are people willing to help.
• There is a solution to every problem. It is up to me to be receptive to it.
• Even when everything is wrong, I still have my favorite band.

A positive aspect of low points is that they are opportunities for increased reflection and rest. The key is to balance intentionality with gentleness. Keeping your mind active is just as important as resting.

Nurturing your creativity on tough days is an effective way to break a negative loop. Choosing to pick up a paintbrush, knit a few more stitches, or write more of your story despite your poor mood is a great way to remind yourself that you are in control of your headspace. Diverting your focus toward positive steps forward once your emotions have been acknowledged is crucial for moving on.

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Final Thoughts

It goes to show that there are plenty of things to bring a smile to our faces even when our spirits are low. Turning a day around with kindness is as easy as picking up a snack, a bouquet, or a new sketchbook to break in that evening. Start with being kind to yourself and it will naturally be extended to others. You are far from alone in your struggles. Offering a little light despite your difficulties is a sign of true strength.

Our emotions unite us. They are nothing to be feared, shunned, or condemned. They just wish to be understood, taken in, and listened to. And don’t we all.

If there are parts of ourselves we have not yet accepted and learned from, then emotions will keep knocking at our door until we listen. We owe it to ourselves to look around and see what our feelings are illuminating.

Remind yourself of truths on hard days. You are alive in a world with so much beauty in it. Pay attention, take small steps, and it will get better.

You are often a decision away from being your own ally or enemy. Choose grace and understanding each time you are faced with an uncomfortable feeling. Search for value where it is hard to find.

Everything happens for a reason and can be used for your betterment. Believe it and see what happens.

Until next time.